“You have a disability, why would anyone hire or date you!?”
What would you do if someone said these things to you?
The statements above would likely be met with some sort of violence like a kick in the throat followed by a few … “How dare you’s!” or “Oh no you didn’ts!”
Most of us had parents who taught us not to say anything that isn’t nice. We also learned not to intentionally hurt anyone or anything.
What we did not learn is how to speak to ourselves. The not so funny thing is that we repeat statements like those above to ourselves over and over and over again.
Self-talk can be a mutha effa, am I right?!
Our self-talk has destroyed our confidence, careers, opportunities, relationships, diets, marriages, and more. We lob crushing insults at ourselves every day! It’s no wonder we are so stressed out, unhappy and in therapy!
WHY do we do it!? Why are we so hard on ourselves?
Believe it or not, most of us have made it such a deeply embedded habit, it’s like brushing our teeth! The truth is that you have created stories that you nowbelieve.
Stop and think about 3 recent things you have said to yourself, and ask these questions:
Are the statements helpful and positive?
Are the statements true?
Would you say them to someone else?
How would you feel if someone said these things to your children or family?`
You know that you are creating your reality with every thought and word you say. You are creating the truth for you.
Consider this example:
Self-Talk Statement: Everyone in this room is so much smarter than me!
Question:Is that the truth?
Answer: “NO” and it’s always “NO.” Everyone knows more and less about somethings than others. Even if Steve Jobs were there!
Question: How does saying this to yourself help you?
Answer: It doesn’t. It creates insecurity which will come across in the room in what you talk about, how you say it, and who you interact with.
Statements like this may cause you to go into the room and trip over your words. You forget what you were trying to say. You lose your train of thought. People in the room intimidate you, so you don’t make connections with the right people. This results in a poor impression and you saying (to yourself), “See, I told you! Idiot!”
What would have happened if you’d started with more helpful statements like…
I’m gonna rock this!
Everyone will think I am awesome!
I am prepared. They will see me as an expert!
How might these statements have change the experience?
We need to learn to have compassion for ourselves and to treat ourselves with kindness. We need to be AT LEAST as nice to ourselves as we are to other people! I mean really?! We treat our cars better than we treat ourselves!
If our homes have an outdated kitchen we remodel it. Why not remodel our thoughts? Oh, I know its hard, I’m a work in progress myself, but let’s agree to make the shift!
Self-compassion is right up there with self-care and self-love.
Do me a favor and try this the next time you notice yourself saying something negative:
Immediately notice it and just accept that it is there.
Twist it around and into a positive then say it out loud. Writing it down is good too if you can’t say it out loud. I’ve even sent myself a text or an email.