The stories you are about to read are true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent!
“To find love, you must first BE what you are looking for.”
Not sure where I heard that but it is something I keep in my heart that I live by!
Dating as a woman with a disability (much like without) can be scary, intimidating, and funny as hell! Just like the rest of the world, meeting people organically happens very rarely, but having a visible disability adds an additional “complication” that makes an organic encounter feel as likely as meeting an extinct Dodo bird.
There are a couple of reasons for this… first of all, some of us are missing the confidence to flirt, especially if our disability is somewhat new in our lives. Second, there are some really dopey people who use the weakest lines so we miss the flirtations of others. Of course, I’m gonna give you a few true examples!
- If I never hear “can I get a ride?” ever again, it’d be too soon!
- “Does everything work?” I mean, are you kidding me? Whether everything works or not is my business, but I can sure kick you in the face! Obviously, SOMETHING doesn’t work, I’m sitting in a chair!
- “Hey, do you REALLY need that chair?” Seriously! Nah, I’m just lazy and this was cheaper than a Segway!
It’s no wonder I’m single! The funny thing is that they think these lines are clever and original!
Sooo how do we meet people? ONLINE in the mainstream pool or dating sites for people with disabilities (yes, that IS a real thing). I’ve never joined any specifically for people with disabilities because I saw a bunch of creepy looking men who looked like they were into Devoteeism (fetish for people, usually for women, with disabilities). Yep, that is a real thing too! Click the link if you don’t believe me!
So, I know you nosey readers are like “tell me about your stories!” So below are a few short stories about first and last dates that I actually experienced!
The story of Mr Ex-alcoholic
This man told me by phone that he was a reader and lover of literature and that he was divorced. Sounds good huh? Well, during the date, that was going well, I might add, just before he ordered a whiskey on the rocks, he said, “I used to be an alcoholic.” I replied… “Dude, I don’t think that’s how that works!” Needless to say… date over!
The story of the man who wouldn’t back off!
I met a guy at a restaurant and the moment I rolled in he starts with all the “you’re so beautiful” crapola! I mean really, I’m not Beyoncé dude.. calm down! A guy can say that once, maybe twice, but the tenth time in a two hour date is a bit much!
When I stood up to slide into the C shaped booth he entered the booth from the other side and sat so close to me I couldn’t move my arm without touching him. I asked, politely, “Would you scoot over please?” He says, “Sure!” and scoots closer, like that was supposed to be funny! So, being the gutsy girl that I am, I said, “Unless you want a fork in your thigh, you should scoot over…the other way!” At one point of the date, he leaned over and put his nose in my hair (I was wearing it long at the time) and takes a big loud whiff! Then he said in the most disgusting way “you smell sooo good!” So that was the end of Mr Back-off!
The story of the man with too many ex-wives
In prior conversations, this guy told me he was divorced and looking to settle down. What he didn’t say on the phone is that he was looking for wife number four! Below is how the conversation went…
Me: “What happened to the other three?”
Mr too many Ex-wives: “One left me and two died mysteriously.”
Me: “Say what, mysteriously? What happened?
Mr too many Ex-wives: “Well,” he said, ” The first, we never knew what happened, I just found her dead.” He continued, “and the second was raped and murdered in my living room while I was away on a trip.”
Me: “You’re kidding right! That’s awful?” (in my mind… Holy crap, note to self, don’t sign any life insurance policies with this guy as beneficiary)
We were at a crowded restaurant and I was happy about that but my date with Mr too many ex-wives was over!
The story of the disabled girl and the annoying superhero!
I met Mr Let me rescue you who wanted to tell me all about how to manage my disability! He spoke to me like he was in charge, like a friggin superhero or something! Do this, do that, put your chair over there, blah, blah, blah! I explained to him that I can’t walk unassisted, and he told me, “don’t worry about it, I’ve got you!” Really, dude, I don’t even know you! And further, why would I want my scooter out of reach…on a first date? Throughout the date, he asked all about what I’d tried to “fix” my disability, physical therapy, acupuncture, marijuana, etc. I finally said. “If you’re not cool with my disability, it’s fine because I am.” He had the nerve to tell me that I was “giving up.” I explained (not so politely) that he doesn’t even know my diagnosis or enough about me because he’d spent the whole date trying to be a friggin medicine man!” He wasn’t even a doctor! DATE O.V.E.R.
Dating the adult male who still has fist fights
Mr fighter was 53 and began to tell me all about how he went to jail for the first time recently (at the time) for pulling the driver of a truck out of his vehicle and beating him up! His reason.. “The guy f**king almost hit me coming out of a driveway while I was walking by!” Seriously…ANGER MUCH? I asked, “Really now, How’d that work for ya?” Luckily I got out without a black eye!
The man who wanted US citizenship
I won’t say which country he was from, but we met at a coffee shop. He was polite and I was thinking, now this guy has potential. He told me he was an attorney and showed me pictures of his beautiful home. About halfway through the date, he pulled paperwork out of the pocket of his lapel. The paperwork was all about him being deported within 30 days, and by-the-way, he was a couple weeks past the date. He said, “don’t get me wrong, I want to be in love and all that but, I need to get married soon. Don’t worry, you could move in with me and I’d pay you!” I said, “first, I’m not your girl, second, this is illegal, and third, you may not want to share paperwork like this with people you don’t know!” Seriously, it had his full name, identifying numbers and other personal information. I looked him up online later and yes he was a lawyer, but was in proceedings for disbarment for committing financial fraud, which is also why he was being deported!
Really, people, I can’t make this stuff up!
I could continue these stories but I want to provide a few pieces of advice for my sisters out there dating with disabilities (and without)…
- We have disabilities, we are not in the discount bin or sale rack of women! Don’t accept any behavior that makes you feel like a person is not being their best self! We have NO reason to be desperate, and we should not be treated like we are!
- If a person doesn’t listen to what your needs are or can’t accept you “as is” ..accept that and move on. Everybody knows trying to change a person doesn’t work!
- Love and accept yourself before you get out there. That will help you recognize poor behavior more quickly and save you lots of time, energy and therapy!
- Be open about your disability (specifically if it is visible) before you meet, but don’t over share your weaknesses. You don’t want that look of surprise if you don’t tell them. I tried this and I DID NOT enjoy the feeling. Be careful about saying too much though. Sharing too much about your challenges can invite the riffraff and be dangerous for you.
- SPEAK UP! If something bothers you, say it loud and strong. Don’t allow bad behavior EVER! This is critical! I have found that if I kept quiet the behavior intensified.
- If you depend on your chair or other apparatus for mobility, don’t allow anyone to take it out of your reach until you have established trust. When a girls gotta go, a girls gotta go!
- Trust your intuition, if something feels off it probably is!
If you are a person with a healthy interest in a specific person with a disability here are a few pieces of advice…
- Be authentic open and honest. Need I say more? If you need to know how just stop trying to date…anyone…EVER! Until you figure it out!
- We are not desperate or looking for Captain save a girl, or Colonel rescue a lady! Let us tell you what we need then…FRIGGIN LISTEN!
- Ask if we need help! Don’t just grab us or our chairs like you know more than we do! I had a guy once say “Oh, I know how it is, my grandma used one of these before she died!” …ok date over (he was kinda cute too.. what a waste!).
I have more fun stories! But seriously meeting a great person would be great, settling, not so much! I am clear on who I am and what I require.
May you find a person who doesn’t make you feel like love is work!
Love, light (and great dates),
Cr8ab
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